Tuesday, 30 September 2014

The FAT truth

Yesterday, I decided that this week would be one of my "I'm determined to lose weight" weeks.

You must be thinking... "eh?"

The reason it sounds so cynical and almost unbelievable (like you literally don't believe it and neither do I) is because I'm constantly trying to slim down, but I've never been successful and gotten back to the way I was. 

Secondly, I decided to write this post because it's the last fashion post that will be hosted on NIBOW. I'll be migrating to WordPress onto a new site called WearMySkin. NIBOW will still remain politics - based. 

Let me just br-br-break down my story before I go any further. 

As a kid,  I was ridiculously skinny and tall. All through primary school and till around the 9th grade, my Mom would have to take in any pants or clothing she bought me, because I'd leave it falling off behind me as I walked. I wasn't scary thin though. I had meat, boobs, and did a crap load of sport.

In all honesty, I was glad I was that skinny and that I never had any weight problems.

As I approached the tenth grade, I stopped playing a lot of sport because of school and studying; my parents wanted me to concentrate on getting good results for university entrance, and I was determined to work hard at school, as I've always done.

Late nights of studying and lack of exercise resulted in bad eating habits, and going out on weekends never helped the process at all.

In my final year of school, I might have gone out once or twice for the year - that's how much I studied. I'd be up till 2 am on a school night studying because I'd only get home at 4 pm. My Dad would send up a cup of coffee and some snacks for me while I studied, and I became dependent on eating while I worked. I'd also listen to loud music and pace around with my notes like a crazy person. This entire process kept me up and away from sleep.

Exams proved easy for me because it was as if I'd been studying the entire year and when results were released, I was glad-ish.  I got 5 distinctions at first, and sent my other scripts in for remarks, attaining 7 distinctions. I was proud of myself and ready for university.

But that's when it got worse.

I'll be bluntly honest and admit that I bought food almost every day at campus. This was in addition to eating my home-prepared lunch.. If it wasn't someone who'd gone off to get Akhalwayas, it was pizza, McDonald's, a lunch date with friends or a pie (I love pies). My friends Farhana and Shahzaadee literally used to refuse to walk me all the way to East campus for food after a while. They were starving me (love you guys).

So I'd eat at campus, sometimes

Basically I ate and ate and ate and ate.

The damaging part came when I used to lose my appetite on certain days and not eat for the entire day, or even two or three. I'd only consume a miniscule dinner over 2 days and this happened almost every week. I noticed my weight lessening by a few kilos when this happened and the cycle just continued and continued,  till early this year. I welcomed the loss of a few kilos and didn't think it was harmful at and lol because I wasn't forcing myself not to eat. However, I didn't force myself TO eat at that time either. 

As first year became second year and second year became third, my nights great longer and longer, my work load ever - increasing,  and my diet ever -worsening. 

Last year, certain experiences coupled with late night working left me up for nights at a time. Unfortunately, I didn't care for sleep. I'd eat at 1 am,  sometimes a full meal after having had dinner already in the evening.

The cycle continued and over the years, I picked up weight and didn't care because I was tall and it never looked as if I wasn't healthy anymore. 

But au contraire.

Now I notice my bulges, my love handles, and my thunder thighs. I'm not ashamed to say that even though I don't look it, I'm unhealthy and overweight for my size, height and age. I notice the cellulite creeping onto the legs and my tummy losing flatness. I can also fly now with my arms so let me know if you need to take a trip anywhere.

It's a struggle to fit into my clothing and most mornings I end up crying and getting frustrated. I only use a few pair of pants/ jeans because they're the only ones I fit into. Numerous shopping trips have ended with me walking out of stores sobbing at the way I looked. I actually stay away from shopping with people because of the way I feel, even if it's my family. Yeah, sure, they'll tell you the truth about your body and the way you look, but do you want to keep hearing that truth? I don't.

From this week, I've restarted exercising and eating healthily, started playing sport and managing my time again. I make sure I sleep for 8 hours a night, and start my mornings off with something in my tummy, even if it's water. I'm working on a healthier lifestyle more than a skinny body.

Unfortunately, I'm still reeling from the after effects of badly developed habits. Sometimes I snack on food before I sleep. Sometimes when I'm upset, I take it out on my body and eat angrily. Sometimes I eat to try and seek comfort when I'm depressed. Sometimes I stress - eat.  Sometimes I skip meals and binge eat at night. Sometimes I just eat crap because like, YOLO and stuff.

But I always try.

I always try, and that's what counts the most, even if I rethink my actions and still do them. Regardless of how many times I vow to stay steady and fail, it still means I tried and that for a period of time, irrespective of how long, I was successful.

The most important lesson I've learnt is to take care of yourselfDon't let life eat you up, and don't eat life up. You'll just end up fat, and the world will still be there, skinny and healthy as ever.

See you at WearMySkin! Please subscribe, comment and go crazy once it's up and running. xxx

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